.driving.

I find meaning in the smallest remnants that you left behind...

Now that you're gone, each little trace of your smile, your laugh, you way of life means so much to me...they truly soothe the aching heart of this devoted girl.

Driving for the first time in awhile was strange...

The last time I had driven, it was to take you to the place that would take you from me. I did not want to leave my backseat that day when we snuggled close with whispered promises of love and loyalty. I marked your hand with my love, and you took mine in yours, carefully crafting your sentiments in a dark blue hue on my palm.

The ink has faded, but your memories have not.

Driving down these desolate roads, the rattling of a glass bottle caught my attentions.
Looking down, I realized it was the same bottle that had held your green tea...the same bottle that marked yet another memory with you, the memory of strolling across a campus that is home to me and new to you.

As I pressed on, I remembered smelling the same kind of body wash you use on a student that sat nearby...I longed to be in your embrace and breathe deeply of your wonderful scent again. I know that time seems longer when I am apart from you, but it is ever so surely bringing me back to you again.

These memories flood me...overcome me...become me.
They will all come rushing back to me when I step onto Virginian soil once more and right back into your loving embrace...I am coming back to you to make more beautiful memories, my love...you can count on it.

.stargazing with you.

You are the only song I want to sing...did you know that?

There is no one else for me tonight...no one else for me tomorrow...no one else for me for all the rest of my days.

The dreariness of my existence before you was not apparent until you stumbled ever so beautifully into my life...my mediocre days are nothing compared to those fleeting moments when I am captured by your arms and your love.

The same night sky is spread across both of us tonight.

We can gaze heavenwards and see the same winking stars, speaking of the continuity that binds all of us together as one common spectator of something so marvelously beautiful.

I know that I can trace my finger across the constellations and make pictures on my own...but I want you to see them too. I want to be able to grasp your hand, lift it toward the sky and paint a picture with your fingers as they trace out shapes that aren't charted in any astronomy book.

We will make our own paths, our own pictures, our own life together...I know this to be true. This common sky, this common bond, this common love...they all draw us close together as one person with one beating heart, it seems.

Tonight, I want to lay in the dewy leaves of grass with my palms facing to the galaxies spread above me and just marvel...but only if you will lie with me and find those elusive shapes in the stars that I know are out there, waiting to be uncovered by inquiring minds such as ours.

The moisture will soak through the thin cotton of my shirt and seep into every pore of my body, letting me breathe in the damp relief and giving me that sharp prick of life once again on my skin. Our hands will find each other and intertwine so beautifully and so perfectly because, after all, my fingers lace together with yours so well.

We will just lay there without saying many words and know that we are complete in that moment when we fix our eyes to the heaven and hold each other's hands and hearts close for all time.

.memory.

I hate that walking away part...

You know...that part where you and I embrace ever so fondly for such a long time, only to have to separate and send the other on their way back to the place that seems so lonely without their other half.

Do you know how much I hated that first step away from your loving smile? Do you know how much this intense hatred increased with every step that took me further away from true love?

The thinnest barrier between us bothered me. Knowing that I could not reach beyond that black rope to hold your hand killed my spirits...and the further realization that I could not hold your hand for a very long time broke me down.

I hate crying...except when my tears fall from love for you.

As you hurtled away at 600 miles per hour, I drove at 80 miles per hour, widening the gap between us slowly but surely. The "leaving" images are forever stored in my mind, and I still remember the smell of the cinammon roll...
the feel of the ink pen against my hand...
the lady who worked at the ticket counter...
the group of girls behind you in line for security...
and the downward cast of my eyes as I walked away from you, following the mosaic tiles on the floor.

I know that a day exists where no more leaving images have to be made. The memories of airplanes and ticket counters will only exist with both of us leaving together to venture into some wild, chaotic adventure.

The images we will make will be of wedding rings, of summers spent together, of children, of laughter, of love that will know no distance.

.true beauty in you.

I have never doubted the true colors of your heart, my love.

You shine so brightly to me, and those colors cannot help themselves...they pour out of you each time you say my name and with each breath you take.

How blessed can I be? Could I really be so wonderfully painted with the same brush that sweeps over you? Could you want to be with me for all time? Could it be...?

Color seems to be a recurring theme with me when I think about you. Those days spent residing in your arms seem to be much, much more vivid than all my days apart from you. You saturate every part of my soul, it seems...you stimulate my vision, my touch, my dreams...and most importantly, my heart.

I long to see the beautiful hue of your soul for the rest of my life. I long to wake up each morning to the same beautiful face that is captured in the portrait by my bed...only it will be the real, living, breathing you that I have fallen so wonderfully and deeply in love with.

To think that this love overrides all sensibility, all logic, all reason is an understatement for me. You incite me to drive miles upon miles just to see your face, if but for a moment.
You inspire me to let you pervade my thoughts constantly, sweeping me away from this cruel reality I am currently in without you here.
You take me to places in my heart that I had thought locked away and unaccessible.

You have taken the key, thrown open the door and filled every corner of the empty rooms in my heart with your love...and really, I cannot thank you enough.

I love you.
That is not enough.
I love you.
It is still not enough.
Those three words...a paltry resemblance of how much I feel for you.

.can you feel it?.

Can you feel it?

This separation felt so much more difficult today...could you feel it in the air?

I did...

I run around all day with purpose in my strides, but I feel like it's a lie...my purpose, my motivation lies in Virginia and the only way I can feel complete is if I am by your side.

Though I hold you so very closely in my heart, I wish to hold you in my arms as well. Nothing can sever this love we have, but oh, to be with you...it would be pure bliss.

Just the mere notion that it could happen very soon and in a more permanent way is enough to give me hope.

My love transcends the distance...always know that. How sweet it would be to be in your physical presence, but take comfort in the fact that my love knows no bounds, no limits...no distance.

Through my craziest days, my most overwhelming moments, I feel your quiet presence surrounding me, reminding me that I am loved. I feel the brush of your hand, the whisper of your care and the feel of your heart beating with mine.

I am far, far away from you right now. I wish to be near to you, but this wait is the sweetest I have ever known...for I know that the ultimate prize of you is one that is so worth the wait.

I love you, I love you, I love you...that much is for certain, for always.

.raining on my soul.

The rain is beating down on my roof and my heart tonight.

As I crane my eyes down toward the ever-widening puddles gathering around me, I can feel the slow drips creeping their way into my very being, soaking my soul with thoughts and memories of you.

The missing of you seems to be a persistant drip that is steadily increasing to a flood of remorse and absence...

Every part of you rains on my soul.

I remember sunny days, filled with laughter and love. I remember sweet nights spent in your arms, only parting to catch a few hours of forced slumber until we could be together again.

I remember the feel of your hand, the smell of your neck and the taste of your lips.
I remember the slope of your nose, the planes of your cheeks and the curve of your arm.

This night, filled with dreary rain, rushes over every part of my heart and my soul. The soaking, sinking feeling I get when I remember that you're not here is almost unbearable tonight...and it's a feeling that I am not often without.

I feel your love, reaching across this ocean that separates us tonight, but I long to bridge a much shorter distance to close the gap between our hands and hearts.

I wish for you here. I wish to make more memories of you, with you and about you.

The rain will continue to fall. Time will continue to pass, and you and I will grow closer and closer...and someday, when the sun is shining, or even when the rain is pouring, we will always be close together.

.thoughts on a day spent missing you.

The winding road today led me everywhere but near to you, it seemed.

Curving and undulating across the vast Missouri plains, I felt that each mile that led me further east toward your loving face pushed me closer and closer to just leaving it all behind and driving the rest of those 700 miles.

The golden touch of the fading sun caused the shadows of clouds to race across the hills and bluffs, and I wished to run with them, straight into your open arms.

I know that as the seasons turn and mature, I will always be wanting to run.

Run right back into your heart, your arms, your love...it envelopes me, consumes me, breathes life into me.

Your love is a treasure beyond comparison. To me, you are the most beautiful and most loving. You embody everything I have ever hoped, wished and prayed for.

I gazed at the empty fields today as I hurtled by...at the broken stalks of corn bowing their heads deep into the shaded earth. They seemed to be burrowing their heads to get away from the light, the shadows, the reality of life.

I wish to escape reality too...but no, I do not want to burrow and hide. I want to be with you, escape with you.

I feel like a mere husk of myself, simply subsisting on your dulcet tones that I hear each night, pouring their love out to me. I am not broken physically, but my heart feels torn without you here.

Soon, I will not bow down toward the ground any longer because you will be there with me, holding me upright. Your loving arms will encircle me, pulling me up to take in the sunshine with you.

Our faces will be tilted sweetly toward the heavens, and we will thank Him once again for bringing us close together.

.a lack of color.

My day lacked color without you here.

I went through the motions, wishing for you to come bounding around any and every corner to take my empty fingers in yours and reassure me that everything would be alright.

The sky kissed me on the cheek today, begging my eyes to look up and take in the beauty of a perfect Creator, and I knew that the color was seeping in around the edges.

But where were you? Why weren't you there with me, throwing bucket after bucket of color across my dreary vision? You make everything beautiful again. You make the blurred edges sharp and refined again, and you transform the gray, somber outlook into a vivid picture of love and happiness.

I find myself looking to my right, searching for a shoulder to lay my head on or an arm to hook mine through...and it's not just anyone that will do...only you can fill this aching, longing void in my heart.

Or should I say lack of heart? It's yours...it has been removed from me in the sweetest yet most painful way possible.

This bittersweet symphony I have been singing since you have been gone fills my lungs with each thought of you, each memory. The joy I have about us is touched by the sadness at your absence, outlined in a thin line of depression.

I can't do this all on my own. You are a part of me. You are the color of my days, the song I always want to sing. Where are you? Where are you?

Where are you?

.always forever.

I still remember the sunlight that fell across your face that day as we stared across that overlook into the beautiful mountains.

It framed your face so beautifully, capturing the face I have grown to love so much in the most wonderful way possible. Every part of that face is loved by me.

Standing there, holding your hand, I could not have been in a more perfect place...or any happier than I was at that exact moment in time.

The days slipped by all too fast, and I found myself growing closer and closer to you as the time told me that the distance would be further and further in just a few short breaths.

When I breathe now, I breathe you in. When I sing now, I sing for you. When I see now, all I can see is your face reflected in the sky, touched by the bare branches of winter.

The ocean was born again today, and it seems much, much further...the pain, the distance...they all seem much more real and palpable. I can feel your breath on my ear, telling me you love me when I sit very still...but it is not enough to remember it...I need you so much closer.

I am torn apart. I have been snatched away, unwillingly, from the one I love....the one I need...my very heartbeat. There is a gaping hole where you have kept my heart near to you in Virginia...and it's yours to keep, my love.

But truly, I know that I will fade and wilt without you here. My days, they loom before me, speaking of the utter insignificance they hold for me now that you're gone. There's nothing, nothing more without you here.

As I sit here tonight, thinking of you, I know you're sitting down too, wishing for me. This love we have, it is matchless...uncomparable...unbeatable. The distance won't keep us from loving one another for all time.

As I sit here tonight, know that I am sitting next to you again, stroking your head and gazing into your eyes, if only in dreams. We'll be together again soon...but until then, I am with you always.

.one.

Tomorrow...

It holds a lot of promises that we've been waiting to fulfill.

Promised kisses, promised words, promised trips...

Tomorrow starts them all.

And truly, it can't come fast enough...I know that tonight, I will sleep with the knowledge that the next time I lay my head down to rest, I will be near you again.

My heart is already lying down with you each night, following you around each day and keeping you happy when I am not there.

Now, the rest of me will be there with you too. I will be able to hold your hand in mine, run my hand across your cheek when I tell you how much I love you, and even kiss you as many times as I want...which will be a lot, since I've been withholding them for two months nearly. :]

Tomorrow is just another day to so many...but gosh, to me, it is the single most important day I've had come my way in a long time.

You mean so much to me...and tomorrow, I can tell you that in person.

Twenty three hours from now, I will be in your arms...and I will tell you, over and over again, how much I love you.

.two.

Beautiful weather always evokes a kind of nostalgic feeling in me.

Usually, I long for some balmy days far off in my past, spent running around with the youthful vigor that seems to be elusive to me lately.

But today, goodness...I longed for you to be there with me, holding my hand and walking slowly together as we soaked in every bit of that glorious sun.

It's quite unusual really...not the fact that I thought about you and wished you here, but because of the circumstances.

You see, we met on a cold, rainy day. You would think the dreariest of days would remind me of you.

But that could not be further from the truth.

Truly, the sunniest, most beautiful days that God has in store for us remind me of you. The rain reminds me of you. The wind, the snow, the storms...every day reminds me of you.

And each day does not bring a fluctuating affection for you...unlike the weather, I stay constant in my adoration of you.

Here in Missouri, it can snow blankets upon blankets one day and be followed by the warmest of days after.

Here in my heart, the atmosphere is always the same. The changing weather may envelop me as I walk from place to place, but it shall not affect the depths of my heart...

Because truly, my heart is totally filled with you.

I love you...always.

.three.

The days seem to be alternately flying by and dragging by...

Some days go very quickly, and at the end, I find myself shocked and pleased that I am one day closer to you.

Other days, every minute seems like an eternity, because I wish to be by your side so much that each moment apart from you is harder than the last.

Tonight, now that I'm at the end of this day, I sigh with relief because I know that I will wake up tomorrow with the knowledge that only two full days separate me from you.

It's so close I can feel the anticipation building up...and I know that first meeting in the airport will be everything I imagined and hoped it to be.

Just feeling your warm embrace again for the first time in almost two months will be beautiful...and that's only scratching the surface of the amazing time we're going to spend together.

Day[s!] spent just talking, laughing, exploring...together...will be so wonderful. I know that those days will go all too fast for my taste, but even an hour with you would be so worth it.

I miss you very much, my Charles, and I know that each minute that passes brings me closer to you...but no amount of time could possibly render these two hearts closer than they already are.

:]
I sure do love you.

.four.

Late last night, I could not sleep.

I tossed and turned, trying to get comfortable, but I knew that my mind would not let me rest until I heard your voice.

It's strange, really...without knowing that you are home, safe and sound, I really cannot rest at ease.

I was tired, for sure, but you outweigh lack of sleep by so much, my love. Nothing could overcome this care and worry I have for you when I'm unsure of where you are...absolutely nothing.

And it all stems from this love that swells in my heart each time I think of you, see you or hear your voice...I want to be able to know that you're resting easy each night for the rest of my life...and hopefully, sooner rather than later, I will be by your side each night so I won't have to worry anymore.

I was two hours closer to you last night, but the amount of closeness between our hearts did not change a bit...it has always been inseparable.

My love, know that this will never change for me. I will always feel this way...always.

.five.

You've got so much love in you...

As I drove home today, I sang that song in my loudest tones and I thought of you and your incredible amount of care for me.

I can only hope to mirror such a beautiful thing in my own actions, because truly, you make this girl feel more loved than anything.

I'm amazed that I'm talking to you...

Really...every night, this feeling is renewed in me. You are so amazing, so it only seems reasonable for our talks every night to live up to such a high standard. Just hearing your voice soothes me in a way that I previously thought impossible, and if I go a night without hearing it, I cannot sleep.

You look like the songs I've heard my whole life coming true...

This line is oh so relative...it seems that my entire life, I had listened to those beautiful lyrics that extoled the feeling of love...but now I know it as my own and I will never, ever feel the same again. You are all those beautiful songs coming true for me, and I hope that this will be something permanent, everlasting...

The time that separates is growing ever shorter, my love, and my love for you is growing ever stronger. When I am reunited with you again, I will be able to lay my eyes on someone who truly does have so much love in him...and be able to call him my own.

I love you...forever and ever.