.driving.

I find meaning in the smallest remnants that you left behind...

Now that you're gone, each little trace of your smile, your laugh, you way of life means so much to me...they truly soothe the aching heart of this devoted girl.

Driving for the first time in awhile was strange...

The last time I had driven, it was to take you to the place that would take you from me. I did not want to leave my backseat that day when we snuggled close with whispered promises of love and loyalty. I marked your hand with my love, and you took mine in yours, carefully crafting your sentiments in a dark blue hue on my palm.

The ink has faded, but your memories have not.

Driving down these desolate roads, the rattling of a glass bottle caught my attentions.
Looking down, I realized it was the same bottle that had held your green tea...the same bottle that marked yet another memory with you, the memory of strolling across a campus that is home to me and new to you.

As I pressed on, I remembered smelling the same kind of body wash you use on a student that sat nearby...I longed to be in your embrace and breathe deeply of your wonderful scent again. I know that time seems longer when I am apart from you, but it is ever so surely bringing me back to you again.

These memories flood me...overcome me...become me.
They will all come rushing back to me when I step onto Virginian soil once more and right back into your loving embrace...I am coming back to you to make more beautiful memories, my love...you can count on it.

.stargazing with you.

You are the only song I want to sing...did you know that?

There is no one else for me tonight...no one else for me tomorrow...no one else for me for all the rest of my days.

The dreariness of my existence before you was not apparent until you stumbled ever so beautifully into my life...my mediocre days are nothing compared to those fleeting moments when I am captured by your arms and your love.

The same night sky is spread across both of us tonight.

We can gaze heavenwards and see the same winking stars, speaking of the continuity that binds all of us together as one common spectator of something so marvelously beautiful.

I know that I can trace my finger across the constellations and make pictures on my own...but I want you to see them too. I want to be able to grasp your hand, lift it toward the sky and paint a picture with your fingers as they trace out shapes that aren't charted in any astronomy book.

We will make our own paths, our own pictures, our own life together...I know this to be true. This common sky, this common bond, this common love...they all draw us close together as one person with one beating heart, it seems.

Tonight, I want to lay in the dewy leaves of grass with my palms facing to the galaxies spread above me and just marvel...but only if you will lie with me and find those elusive shapes in the stars that I know are out there, waiting to be uncovered by inquiring minds such as ours.

The moisture will soak through the thin cotton of my shirt and seep into every pore of my body, letting me breathe in the damp relief and giving me that sharp prick of life once again on my skin. Our hands will find each other and intertwine so beautifully and so perfectly because, after all, my fingers lace together with yours so well.

We will just lay there without saying many words and know that we are complete in that moment when we fix our eyes to the heaven and hold each other's hands and hearts close for all time.

.memory.

I hate that walking away part...

You know...that part where you and I embrace ever so fondly for such a long time, only to have to separate and send the other on their way back to the place that seems so lonely without their other half.

Do you know how much I hated that first step away from your loving smile? Do you know how much this intense hatred increased with every step that took me further away from true love?

The thinnest barrier between us bothered me. Knowing that I could not reach beyond that black rope to hold your hand killed my spirits...and the further realization that I could not hold your hand for a very long time broke me down.

I hate crying...except when my tears fall from love for you.

As you hurtled away at 600 miles per hour, I drove at 80 miles per hour, widening the gap between us slowly but surely. The "leaving" images are forever stored in my mind, and I still remember the smell of the cinammon roll...
the feel of the ink pen against my hand...
the lady who worked at the ticket counter...
the group of girls behind you in line for security...
and the downward cast of my eyes as I walked away from you, following the mosaic tiles on the floor.

I know that a day exists where no more leaving images have to be made. The memories of airplanes and ticket counters will only exist with both of us leaving together to venture into some wild, chaotic adventure.

The images we will make will be of wedding rings, of summers spent together, of children, of laughter, of love that will know no distance.

.true beauty in you.

I have never doubted the true colors of your heart, my love.

You shine so brightly to me, and those colors cannot help themselves...they pour out of you each time you say my name and with each breath you take.

How blessed can I be? Could I really be so wonderfully painted with the same brush that sweeps over you? Could you want to be with me for all time? Could it be...?

Color seems to be a recurring theme with me when I think about you. Those days spent residing in your arms seem to be much, much more vivid than all my days apart from you. You saturate every part of my soul, it seems...you stimulate my vision, my touch, my dreams...and most importantly, my heart.

I long to see the beautiful hue of your soul for the rest of my life. I long to wake up each morning to the same beautiful face that is captured in the portrait by my bed...only it will be the real, living, breathing you that I have fallen so wonderfully and deeply in love with.

To think that this love overrides all sensibility, all logic, all reason is an understatement for me. You incite me to drive miles upon miles just to see your face, if but for a moment.
You inspire me to let you pervade my thoughts constantly, sweeping me away from this cruel reality I am currently in without you here.
You take me to places in my heart that I had thought locked away and unaccessible.

You have taken the key, thrown open the door and filled every corner of the empty rooms in my heart with your love...and really, I cannot thank you enough.

I love you.
That is not enough.
I love you.
It is still not enough.
Those three words...a paltry resemblance of how much I feel for you.

.can you feel it?.

Can you feel it?

This separation felt so much more difficult today...could you feel it in the air?

I did...

I run around all day with purpose in my strides, but I feel like it's a lie...my purpose, my motivation lies in Virginia and the only way I can feel complete is if I am by your side.

Though I hold you so very closely in my heart, I wish to hold you in my arms as well. Nothing can sever this love we have, but oh, to be with you...it would be pure bliss.

Just the mere notion that it could happen very soon and in a more permanent way is enough to give me hope.

My love transcends the distance...always know that. How sweet it would be to be in your physical presence, but take comfort in the fact that my love knows no bounds, no limits...no distance.

Through my craziest days, my most overwhelming moments, I feel your quiet presence surrounding me, reminding me that I am loved. I feel the brush of your hand, the whisper of your care and the feel of your heart beating with mine.

I am far, far away from you right now. I wish to be near to you, but this wait is the sweetest I have ever known...for I know that the ultimate prize of you is one that is so worth the wait.

I love you, I love you, I love you...that much is for certain, for always.

.raining on my soul.

The rain is beating down on my roof and my heart tonight.

As I crane my eyes down toward the ever-widening puddles gathering around me, I can feel the slow drips creeping their way into my very being, soaking my soul with thoughts and memories of you.

The missing of you seems to be a persistant drip that is steadily increasing to a flood of remorse and absence...

Every part of you rains on my soul.

I remember sunny days, filled with laughter and love. I remember sweet nights spent in your arms, only parting to catch a few hours of forced slumber until we could be together again.

I remember the feel of your hand, the smell of your neck and the taste of your lips.
I remember the slope of your nose, the planes of your cheeks and the curve of your arm.

This night, filled with dreary rain, rushes over every part of my heart and my soul. The soaking, sinking feeling I get when I remember that you're not here is almost unbearable tonight...and it's a feeling that I am not often without.

I feel your love, reaching across this ocean that separates us tonight, but I long to bridge a much shorter distance to close the gap between our hands and hearts.

I wish for you here. I wish to make more memories of you, with you and about you.

The rain will continue to fall. Time will continue to pass, and you and I will grow closer and closer...and someday, when the sun is shining, or even when the rain is pouring, we will always be close together.

.thoughts on a day spent missing you.

The winding road today led me everywhere but near to you, it seemed.

Curving and undulating across the vast Missouri plains, I felt that each mile that led me further east toward your loving face pushed me closer and closer to just leaving it all behind and driving the rest of those 700 miles.

The golden touch of the fading sun caused the shadows of clouds to race across the hills and bluffs, and I wished to run with them, straight into your open arms.

I know that as the seasons turn and mature, I will always be wanting to run.

Run right back into your heart, your arms, your love...it envelopes me, consumes me, breathes life into me.

Your love is a treasure beyond comparison. To me, you are the most beautiful and most loving. You embody everything I have ever hoped, wished and prayed for.

I gazed at the empty fields today as I hurtled by...at the broken stalks of corn bowing their heads deep into the shaded earth. They seemed to be burrowing their heads to get away from the light, the shadows, the reality of life.

I wish to escape reality too...but no, I do not want to burrow and hide. I want to be with you, escape with you.

I feel like a mere husk of myself, simply subsisting on your dulcet tones that I hear each night, pouring their love out to me. I am not broken physically, but my heart feels torn without you here.

Soon, I will not bow down toward the ground any longer because you will be there with me, holding me upright. Your loving arms will encircle me, pulling me up to take in the sunshine with you.

Our faces will be tilted sweetly toward the heavens, and we will thank Him once again for bringing us close together.